Lately I've been thinking a lot about what it is that's keeping me here - in this house, in this town, in this job. I've considered a lot of different problems and come to the following conclusions:
- I'm terrified of living totally by myself, and even more afraid of living with someone I don't know. Even thinking about these things makes me stay awake at night.
- I'll miss the kids at work. Okay, not all of them. Okay, only two. Mostly just one. She's my favourite, and I'm her favourite (hey, she started liking me first!). She's only a year and a half, and the most gorgeous little kid ever. Today she crawled into my lap and rested her head against my neck. She almost fell asleep like that, and she doesn't do that with anyone else but me. I thought about how it would feel to say goodbye to her and her wonderful parents, and I nearly started crying.
- The idea of becoming totally isolated because having to meet new people for the first time scares me. Which is also why I'm terrified of getting a new job. So even though I'm miserable where I am, I'm staying for fear of meeting new people! It's so stupid, but I can't help how I feel.
- I don't know what I want to do with my life, and I feel like my next decision has to be the defining one. If I move to the city, that's where I'll have to live for the rest of my life. If i get a job, it's the job I have to keep for the rest of my life. And so on. This paralyzes me completely.
- I do know what I want to do right now, and that's to travel. I've saved up a lot of money and know I have enough for a pretty decent around-the-world-in-a-year trip, but what then when I get back and I'm broke?? And if I'd somehow manage to make some money travelling (like with writing articles for a magazine, or even some sort of travel book) I'd probably be sick of travelling in just a few days!
So, being in a very analytical mood lately, I thought about why travelling is so different. When I'm scared of having to introduce myself to new people, why would I want to travel and meet new people every single day? I found an explanation for it!
*drumroll*
Because it's temporary! The people I meet while travelling live in a totally different place. I might never meet them again. I don't care what they think about me, because they don't need to like me. If they don't, they won't remember me. If they do, we may or may not stay in touch. It's so simple! I don't have to live with them, or see them every day at work. Because they live all the way over there. It's so simple, I don't understand why I haven't thought about it sooner!
I want to press a fastforward button and skip a few years ahead, until I have everything figured out. That would be good!
Signing out with one of my favourite feel-good songs (it's been going around the net today, haha!):
Thursday, January 20, 2011
It must be the full moon.
Mused by Annie at 19:24
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3 judgements:
The best way to scare yourself is to think you have to decide everything right now. You can't think "what i want to do for the rest of my life", you have to think "what am i interested in now? What kind of job would i like to have for a year, two, maybe three?" Hardly anyone our generation has one job for forty years anymore, we have the opportunity to change our minds and switch jobs when we get sick of what we do. If i think about what i want to do "when i grow up" i fall straight into an anxiety attack, but if i think about what i'd like to do for a little while it's not as scary.
If you move to the city you don't have to live there forever. Everything can be reversed. If you buy a flat, you can sell it or rent it out, if you get a job here, you can resign and get a different one in... Laos if you want.
This explains a lot. A LOT!!!
I've realised I need to set small goals for myself, and then try to reach them - and only them. And only goals that I really WANT to reach, rather than feel like I should.
And to start daydreaming again. I miss daydreaming! On that note, I would like to add that my future husband is 35 years old today, and that his birthday facebook status made me laugh. Go Sivert! ;)
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